I know your all sick of hearing of my problems....

[PASOFAN]

But you all are so kind and are shoulders I can lean on...

I need to vent a little more...

My trip was fabulous and I promis to post pics...
but.....

I get home and talked to my dad, neither him nor I have heard from kysa now in 2wks. turns out all the phones are disconected and she isnt returning emails either... I am WORRIED! I emailed her again tonight..

Then realized she has a myspace...
She has been online almost everyday blogging...... She bloged about how I am a evil sister holding her car against it's will, and was treating her bad for a long time and that is why she left. That she is happy where she is now... Has a kitten... She said that I am evil and was bad to her.... Gee and I thought again after all our heart to hearts that she wasnt one to say things like that.. I am in shock again. My eyes are really open to who kysa really has turned out to be and it saddens me to the core to know that she has two sides.. She had turned into my other sister who has corrupted her into being so selfish...

Atleased I know she is ok. but still I am so upset she has blogged these things and to the whole world to see... Guess she really didnt like living w/me... I feel even more betrayed now.. I did so much, gave her so much, took her all over on trips, bought her almost anything she wanted, pd for her to have a horse and go on trail rides.. I let her see her friends, get a job and a car, paid for almost everything, cosigned on a credit card and Readycash to help her start credit ect.. And now this is how she talks about me..

I am really hurt.. AGAIN..

Please tell me that it will be ok, that I should just let it go... Sell the car, lease the horse and just wait for her to call me... I really want to respond to her blog and let her have it, but my heart wont let me....

Anyway... sorry for the drama again, I just need to vent...

[Jasfino]

I hate to say it but its the typical teenage response. Authority figures are always mean.. and to blame for all their problems...if anyone is to believe their version of the story. She'll have to learn the hard way...(((hugs)))
The teenage yrs are the toughtest times. She will come around.. time for tough love with as much patience as you can muster...lol

[Edurne]

Oh boy sweetie..... well I'm glad you're heart won't allow you to become publicly defensive on her blog. One thing I have learned through the years; is that children always attack those they feel safest with. That person gets the brunt of all of their frustrations in growing up. Even though your young sister is behaving in reprehensible ways - this is not her - it is the TEENAGER. I remember that I cried a lot in those years - the angel I had enjoyed for 15 years disappeared ..... have to admit she didn't reappeara until college years..... or maybe later. It all has to do with growing up and growing away. It is not you that is evil...... it is an aberration of the growing mind.

p.s. if she is blogging - she is still working through these problems herself - and maybe even hoping you will read it. - a way to manipulate you at a distance.

Hang in there - be kind to yourself.

[Laura S]

Yes, I agree with what the others have said. I would take what a teenager says with a grain of salt. It is a difficult age for them. They often get overly dramatic to get attention for themselves. When she grows up she will appreciate what you did for her. It just takes time. She may not realize what a twerp she's been until she has her own kids. And realizes it's the hardest job life has to offer! :D

[Minouri]

I have to agree that it sounds like typical teenage parent bashing. It's probably one notch worse because of the entire situation.

I was only really awful when I was 15...but that was a bad year. I know I said some hateful things to my parents. Whenever the topic of teenagers comes up around my parents (usually discussing a granchild or greatgrandchild) I look at my parents and say, "I'm still sorry about that" and they laugh their butts off because we all know what I'm talking about.

My parents forgave me as soon as I came out of that awful stage, but I still can't believe I was capable of being so hateful. Hormones will do it to you, I guess.

If she is indeed happy where she ended up...try to see this as time for both of you to grow and heal.

The day will come when she'll want to reopen her relationship with you. I would not let her manipulate you for finances or living arrangements, but I would keep your heart open to her.

Forgiveness, it's not just a religious thing. Anger is exhausting, depressing and just plain bad for your health.

Start putting yourself first for a while...not out of spite, not out of anger...but because you need some time to rediscover what makes YOU happy.

And know that we care. You'll get through this.

[Terri]

I agree with what everybody else said. She is a confused TEEN. You will gain nothing by engaging her in debate on her level. You have to be the rock in a stormy sea for her: ready to forgive and provide stablity. It know it is hard and deeply hurtful. Just pray hard for you, you know God can do great things.

[Blameitonbrio]

I want to write something unique and comforting, but it's all been said! Typical teen...anger directed at those most loved...don't respond in kind or in public (boy that one's tough too)...she'll outgrow it...it hurts to have someone you'd do anything for to treat you this way...PLEASE take time to care for yourself and your needs.

One other thing you might do in your search for understanding is look for some books or internet sites on parenting teens or teen psychology. I do that a lot to get some perspective -- even though I have taken tons of education and psychology courses! I know these things are normal, but it is hard to see it when it feels so personal. It helps take the personal sting out of it to know that it is normal for teens to rebel.

:hug

[Mellifluous]

Teenagers! :roll: :shock: :-?

I know it is tough now, but once she matures she will realize how foolish she has been.

My 16 year old niece is having problems too. She had dated a guy for a year and a half. He started college this fall. Apparantly, she was texting him every two minutes and being a huge PITA. He broke it off with her and now they are "just friends."

Her response is to show out and really try to get some attention. She has started dating a guy that works at the local grocery store where she works after schoo. He is a high school dropout and fathered a baby that was born a couple of months ago. He told my niece that it was the girl's fault because she told him that she was on birth control. HMPF. Either way, she is parading him around and not coming home after work. She is very defensive about him.

I know that they whole thing is a ploy, but I just hope that she does not get herself in trouble in the process.

[Pam M]

Teenagers can be just horrible. My 16 y.o. has a tendency to run off at the mouth as well. He hates us right now because we're making him pay half of his own driving expenses and he CHOSE to spend all his money on one of those new iphones and then promptly quit his job since he had what he wanted. He's got one week to pay us what he owes or his car gets parked and we'll drive him everywhere. He doesn't quite believe we'll do it because we've admitted that we love the freedom of him being able to drive. But we will. And he's going to have to pick up more chores to earn some money. And then he'll really hate us. But he'll come around after a while and so will your sister.

Just remember - it's not important for them to like you or for you to be their friend. Your job is to teach/show them how to be a responsible adult through your actions. They may not admit it but they do pay attention and one day they'll put the drama behind them and it will all have been worth it. So that's good that you're not reacting to her posts. Maybe drop her an email that lets her know you miss her. She knows if she's acting out, whether she admits it or not. Good luck!

[paintedhorizon]

Sounds like she is definitly doing the typical teenager thing, but it's still hurtful. Can you post on her blog?

[Jane Hurl]

I've said it before and I'll say it again ...

that Pam is one smart cookie!

Just remember - it's not important for them to like you or for you to be their friend. Your job is to teach/show them how to be a responsible adult through your actions. They may not admit it but they do pay attention and one day they'll put the drama behind them and it will all have been worth it. So that's good that you're not reacting to her posts. Maybe drop her an email that lets her know you miss her. She knows if she's acting out, whether she admits it or not. Good luck!

Yup. Yup. Right on, sister. Keep it UNemotional. Do NOT respond to the hateful things. Tell her you love her and that you miss her ...and maybe that you are sorry she is so angry. (That will let her know you are watching her blog, which MIGHT make her think twice about what she says.)

And, honey, don't worry that this is being said so the whole world can see. First off, the whole world isn't watching ... and secondly, the vast majority of those reading will realize that this is the ranting of an angry teenager.

You speak of selling the car and leasing the horse out. I'd say do the lease, but didn't you say you GAVE her the car? You can't sell it then, either morally or legally. Morally, you GAVE it to her. Legally, it will be registered in HER name. Park it or pay for the insurance and drive it yourself. (Personally, I'd drive it.)

Did you note that the phones have been disconnected? Doesn't that suggest to you that things in CA aren't all that she cracks them up to be? She brags about having a kitten. How do you think that compares to having a horse? Yes, I'm thinking that Kysa is hurting ... not going to admit it right now, but hurting ... so I'd not jump to the conclusion that she didn't like living with you.

And lastly, Jen ... stop dwelling on everything you did for her. First off, remember: you did all of that as much for yourself as you did for her. You did it because you love her and it made YOU feel good to give her stuff. The only criticism I can see here is that maybe you gave her too much. Sometimes when kids (or anyone, for that matter) are given too much, they lose the ability to appreciate what's been given and only look to what else they might receive. That is when they become "spoiled".

[Terry Wallace]

Is there some GREAT advice in this crowd or what?

What Jane quoted from Pam.... great advice

What I will quote from Jane....
Yup. Yup. Right on, sister. Keep it UNemotional. Do NOT respond to the hateful things. Tell her you love her and that you miss her ...and maybe that you are sorry she is so angry. (That will let her know you are watching her blog, which MIGHT make her think twice about what she says.)

And, honey, don't worry that this is being said so the whole world can see. First off, the whole world isn't watching ... and secondly, the vast majority of those reading will realize that this is the ranting of an angry teenager.



In the end..by doing as suggested..you will gain much respect. Just..not right now. When I was a kid, I fought with my mother all the time. The only place I got unconditional love was from my grandmother. As I grew up I began to realize what a wonderful person my grandmother was....in that she could and would give love unconditionally. That she never let my anger get in the way of of how it affected our relationship, that she knew it was a fleeting period in my life and that she did not hold it against me but rather went right along showing the love & concern she always had for my well being. ;-)

Believe me...I STRIVE to be just like her with my own grandkids...

[Jane Hurl]

And then there's that Terry Wallace. She's a smart cookie too!

[Pam M]

Hey Jen - you've got decades of teenage-raising-professionals helping you out here! There's some good advice coming your way. You're not the first to have been through it and you will get through this!

Thanks Jane and Terry, for the pat on the back. School started this week and I'm definitely feeling the need for some positive feedback as I struggle with my own brat...oops, I mean kid! :lol:

[Heidi]

You speak of selling the car and leasing the horse out. I'd say do the lease, but didn't you say you GAVE her the car? You can't sell it then, either morally or legally. Morally, you GAVE it to her. Legally, it will be registered in HER name. Park it or pay for the insurance and drive it yourself. (Personally, I'd drive it.)
Investigation was done upon a suggestion and it was determined that the vehicle would not pass smog requirements in California and it would be cost-prohibitive to make it compliant and ship it.

[Jane Hurl]

So I repeat ... pay the insurance and drive it. Saves the wear and tear on your own vehicle.

[motorgypsy]

We raised one and taught 15 to 18 year olds for over 30 years. They are certifiably insane - their brain chemistry is a total mess. This happens to be true of all higher order animal species by the way so humans aren't special in this regard. Supposedly this period of insanity helps the brain and intellect grow. I don't know about that but it does drive parents and teachers crazy. I do love that age group and get along really well with them but have total empathy for their parents.

Regarding the car. A gift is a gift. You don't take them back. Sell it to save yourself money on insurance and put the money in a trust for her for college or some other positive goal she has. You can even put it toward a car she can drive in California but be careful because she has to be able to afford the insurance on it before she gets it. After that it's hers to do as she wishes. No matter how angry you are because she's an ingrate which she is by the way, a gift is still a gift. If the horse was a gift then the same thing is true of it. Sell it and send her the cash. Sure you can deduct your expenses for board for the horse, insurance for the car and so on but be fair about it.

You don't expect teens to be grateful for anything you've done for them either. They won't show you they are grateful even if they are. It's a sign of weakness to them. "They didn't ask to be born" to quote the ones we know. It's just the way they are. The only way to win is NOT to play the game. You go by the rules of sane society and treat her the way you would expect to be treated as an adult and by an adult. Forgive her for being a selfish idiot, lose the hurt and get on with your life. All we can do is pray that they survive their teen years. Many don't. Think about that when you're really angry and hurt and get past it. You love her but not her behavior. It's very simple. And you don't tolerate bad behavior from her. That's very simple also. They don't call it tough love for nothing cause loving a teen sure is tough!!!

[PASOFAN]

You are all so wonderful. ... Thank you!!

I did send her a email saying I loved her and missed her.. I also let her know I read her myspace and that it really hurt that she said those things about me...

I was told by my dad that the so called "family" said I ripped her off $ wise so I send her a spread of all her bills, along w/how much she pd me ect. SO they could really see that I wasnt.. I know I didnt need to do that, but I felt I should... She knows deep down but yeah isnt admiting that....

Jane w/the car situation, her dad gave her the car, however it wasnt driveable, Kysa and I made the agreement I would fix it and put $$ into it and she would pay me back, plus she'd pay for her cell phone and own insurance.. She wasnt working enought and very quickly fell WAY WAY behind... Plus the car wouldnt pass the CA emissions test so I am selling it, taking what she owes me and sending her the rest..

I am hoping to lease phantom out to pay for his board, she understands if I cant he will be sold as well unless she can figure out a way to move him to CA>. Very doubtable that will happen... BUt I am doing my best to keep him...

ANyhway, I feel more atease again w/knowing this is just a teen.... I was there too but dont remember hurting the one who cared the most this much...

I do love that kid, I just hope as you all say that she does realize it.. I hate to say I am lonely w/out her but I am.. She was my buddy too.. Living alone is hard.

BUT I am definatly going to do things for myself...

I just got back from my raod trip to the UP of MIchigan.. Spent today G-saling got myself some AWESOME deals!
Been eating out at my favorite restraunts too. So I am trying!

Your all so wonderful.. Bless you all..

His will be done!

[pasoglide]

When I lived in Calif and the car didn't pass the emissions test and it cost more than I think $1000. to make it pass it could be exempt . But that was 22 years ago.

[Abejita]

ok not to be a gloomy gus here ..but PLEASE tell me she doesnt still have that credit card you co-signed on???

[Jane Hurl]

Oh, gawd! The credit card. I missed that! Yes, best you get OFF that, PDQ!

[Monty]

Sorry - but you bring back tons of memories about our daughter from age 14 to 18! Bad boy friends - all what was said before! What a BRAT! :roll:
BUT - at age 21 , she said Thank you ~ in public ~ for being such a *itch for all those years ~ :D
OK - who's name is on the title ? She wasn't of age (18) - so had to have a co-signer . If she still owes you money from fixing it ,insurance - whatever , you should deduct that from whatever you sell it for !
First - park it - take the battery out and store it and change the insurance to reflect that - that is what we do for hubby's 1930 Model A - 6 months full insurance and 6 months storage - goes from close to $200 down to about $16 for the 6 months.
You need to take a deep breath and learn about "tough love" - I sure did !
Now that she is 34 - we can be friends - when she was a teen , I had to be a parent .
I was the one that said NO and Dad - well she was his "little" angel - LOL Until the night her bf was caught driving her car when she was at work and I was out of town :shock: I would have pressed charges - he didn't :duh
Anyway - you have done what you could to give her a better life - now she has to learn on her own ,and you may not like what happens .But keep the faith and just hope it works out for the good . :hug

[motorgypsy]

OH boy the credit card. That's one that will come back to bite you. You have to get it closed immediately so she can't use it. Even the responsible ones can't resist the siren call of available credit. I think you can close it even if there is a balance on it and you just keep paying the balance until it is zeroed. Do this immediately. And be sure to keep paying it.

I have a friend who cosigned a vehicle loan for his son. The son quit his job and quit paying and didn't tell his dad and the dad didn't pay the back payments and now the dad's credit is so bad he can't buy anything on credit. I would strongly advise that any parent wanting to help a kid get a credit card use a prepaid lowlimit card, not a regular credit card. With regular credit cards the companies will raise the limit without asking you and the kids can't resist it. They have no clue about how interest accumulates unless you've given them a "learning card" as a kid to show them how to handle credit.

[Jane Hurl]

Yeah ... this credit card is going to be a bugger. Is there any way that you can get your CA sister to "sign on" when you sign off so that Kysa doesn't get all ticked off with you and refuse to pay what's owing on it now?

[PASOFAN]

Whoa guys dont worry, I am a senior loan office, asistant manager of the credit union as to which the CC's were at. The cards are pd off, closed and cut up.... Already taken care of before she left.... I am very experienced in credit and actually counsel others on credit.. I am all good... ;-) Thanks for the concern though....

I might have phantom leased! I showed him tonight to a wonderful 50sompin woman who really clicked w/him and also with me. She is semi experienced, but not much... Were going on a test trail ride one sunday then she will make her descision! Wish me luck!

I also got acall on someone interested in buying the car!! ANd like I said, if I sell it I will take when she owes out of it and send her the rest....

Yeah the cost to correct the emissions was around $500 or so.... Prety spendy...

[motorgypsy]

What a relief!!!

[Jane Hurl]

YAY!
Sounds like you've got it all under control, Jen.

You go, girl!

[PasoJosieJ]

I am sorry things aren't good between you and your sister. Things will get better I hope. ;-)