Prayers, juju, vibes, all of it!

[Mellifluous]

My niece lives with her maternal grandmother. Her mother lives there too, but is incapacitated so Mary, the grandmother has been raising my niece Katie. My brother is too busy living his life to raise Katie and my mother has her hands full babysitting my dad.

Background:
Now, I am sure that I posted something last year about Mary having cancer. They treated her and did surgery on Mary's back to remove the cancerous tumor that was integrated with her spine. Well, the cancer came back and is spreading. So, Mary has been having to deal with that while trying to heal from back surgery. Add a surly 16 year old girl in the mix and it is a real mess.

Tonight:
I just got a call from my mother telling me that Katie had called her upset. It seems that Katie got home from work and discovered that no-one was home but the cars were all there. She ran next door and asked if they knew what was going on. The neighbors told her that Mary and Nancy (katie's mom) had left via ambulance about an hour ago.

Mom called the hospital and finally got ahold of Nancy, unfortunately Nancy could not tell her much because she is not terribly coherent. Mom asked if they wanted her to come, they said not now but to come in the morning if Mary is admitted.

I don't know what is going on but I really feel for Katie in all of this. She has been dealt a sucky hand in life and things like this make it even worse. Just keep her and Mary in your thoughts.

[Pasogirlz]

We sure will Mel. Lots of prayers and good thoughts.

[Barbwire]

I'll keep them in my thoughts, Mel.

[ErinC]

prayers going out!

[Mellifluous]

Just a thought but I am wondering if the addition to my house might be rather timely...

I have offered to take her in before, she has passed because she would have to move away from her friends.

She may end up not having a choice and Kev and I may have a teenager.

[motorgypsy]

We never really appreciate just how lucky we are until we hear of cases like this. I only hope things will improve for all of them.

Our neighbor across the street adopted her grandson - his mom had him at about 16 and her mom was trying to give her a second chance. It's all very sad.

I get so angry at people who act so superior to others when the only reason their life is better is because they were lucky enough to be born to good parents in a developed country and given a great education. Life is indeed a crap shoot.

[Mellifluous]

This is Katie, she is a sweetheart (when she wants to be). People always assume that she is my daughter when we are out together.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v163/legado/katie.jpg

[Jasfino]

Prayers for your family.. ((hugs))

[motorgypsy]

Your younger sister maybe but NO WAY YOUR DAUGHTER!!!

[Mellifluous]

Hey, I could have had her when I was 11. Oooh, maybe not. But people always think I am older than I really am. Age is not being kind to me.

[Mellifluous]

I just talked to mom. Mary is in the ICU at the hospital. Mom is on her way to visit and see what is going on.

[Pasomom]

Prayers for your family Mel. We will be thinking about them all, and please continue to update us.

(((HUGS)))

[Mellifluous]

Mom just left me a message, I can't get her at home but this is what she said:

Mary was deprived of oxygen for some period of time, they are doing an MRI.

What does this mean?

[ErinC]

well how long would depend on what the out come is.

is she awake , or in a coma?

[Mellifluous]

Ok, just talked with mom and katie.

Mary has severe brain damage, is not conscious. Nancy signed the papers about not taking heroic measures, etc.

And, to top it all off. Mom was taking Nancy and Katie for lunch. Nancy fell and busted her nose. They are in the ER taking care of her right now.

When it rains, it pours!

I told Katie that she is responsible for keeping me informed about the situation and that I am there for her if she needs me for anything. She may call me later to talk about things when mom is not around.

[PASOFAN]

(((hugs))) thoughts and prayers from MN... What a hard situation, I hope everything turns out ok....

[Mellifluous]

Mary passed away last night.

Say prayers for Katie please. Her future is hanging in the balance right now.

[pnalley]

Mell,
I am so sorry. You mentioned that Katie's mom was incapacitated, is she unable to take care of her daughter?

If you take her on, how will Kevin feel about it.

[Mellifluous]

Mell,
I am so sorry. You mentioned that Katie's mom was incapacitated, is she unable to take care of her daughter?

If you take her on, how will Kevin feel about it.

Katie's mother can't take care of herself so raising a teen is out of the question. My brother *should* take her since she is his daughter, but being that he is the way he is, I highly doubt that he will take her, nor should he.

Her choices are my mother, me or her uncle (her mom's brother).

In my mind, Kevin and I are the best choice for her as we have the resources to care for her and are healthy and able to keep up with a teen. Kevin seems wishy washy on the subject. He is wanting to be selfish in some ways and says that she is not our problem.

In my mind, she is at a critical point in her life. She is 16 years old and needs guidance.

[Laura S]

Wow, so sorry to hear about all this Mel. What will happen to Katie's mom if she can't take care of herself? I feel bad for Katie, this is alot for a 16yr old to handle. I hope she chooses to live with you. Best wishes to you all and my prayers are with you.

[Mellifluous]

It has been arranged for Katie's mom to go live in Florida with Mary's brother. He is retired and willing to take her on. He does not want Katie and Katie does not want to live with him.

I have met him and I don't blame her!

[Dave]

Mel, very sorry for your loss! Sounds like a tough situation for everyone involved but hopefully everything will work out for Katie and her Mom!

[Laura S]

:hug

[Moniece Dickerson]

Sweetie I am SO sorry!!!!!!! :hug
Your friend,Moniece

[pnalley]

In my mind, she is at a critical point in her life. She is 16 years old and who needs guidance.


She is at a critical time, but taking her on could/would most likely put a huge strain on a marrage. What ever happens, I wish her the best. Hopefully things will fall into place. Good luck, you have big family decisions ahead.

[motorgypsy]

This is a difficult time for all of you. There are so many things going on and so many decisions to be made. But 16 is not a bad age. They start becoming human at that age after the horrible middle school years. Life really isn't fair. You're a kind, good person to even consider taking on what is really a grown woman who unfortunately in our complex society is not yet prepared to go out on her own.

What I can picture that might work is to consider that she is "renting a room and bath" from you with kitchen privileges and the use of your den/TV room just like a college student. She would be treated like a college student in the olden days with a signout sheet that had on it where she was going, what time she left, and when she'd be back. If she was going to be late she would be expected to call. You guys could cook together or she could cook for herself but she would clean up anything she used. Obviously you would spend time with her but you would have your own private time also as would she. A 16 year old needs space and privacy as well as love and the expectation of good behavior from her. You would give her the same ground rules you would to anyone renting a room - no smoking or drinking of alcohol, not drugs and no boyfriends in her room or in the house when you aren't home. You'd have to consider whether you want her to have girlfriends in your home when you're not there also. Your bedroom is your private place and she does not go in there unless it's an emergency. You can also state "quiet hours". It's a lot better to make too many rules to start with and ease up than it is to tighten up after she's driven you crazy.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

[Jasfino]

(((hugs))) I am so sorry.. and hope everything works out best for Katie..

[Minouri]

I was so sorry to hear of your loss.

I have to agree with a lot of what motorgypsy posted. I believe it can be done in a way that works for all involved.

I wouldn't bring her home if your husband is unwilling, because I dont' believe a fighting household would be a healthy place for her. However, I would express how her wellbeing is important to you and that you will take action....either bringing her to you or supporting her away from you financially. But that you consider supporting her a given that is not up for discussion. It's just the how and where that you'll debate.

And into the mix you must look at Katie herself. I would glady take in 10 of my stepdaughters without protest. Even on her worst day, she has a good heart. I brought my brother and his wife into my house for the next month or so for the same reason. The are good people in need of a place.

I would not take my sister into my home. She loves drama, makes drama, and tends to slant stories with her own version. She would not be good for my marriage, my children or my sanity. If she lost her home I'd send money her way, but could not open my home to her.

Only you know if Katie would or would not be good for your home. I'd give your husband a chance to change his mind. Have a heart to heart with him. He just might surprise you.

[Jane Hurl]

If only we all could be as smart and compassionate as Ruthie. My hat is off to you, kiddo.

[Pasomom]

Mel, So very sorry to hear of this sad news.

You have gotten alot of good advise here. The most important is that you and Kevin agree on bringing her into your home. It WILL be a big strain on your marriage, and you must both know and agree ahead of time, to stick together. I like the idea of having a written set of rules to start with. Then there is no arguing whats right and whats wrong. If there is a grey area, you and Kevin should discuss it and make your decisions jointly. Of course, it just doesn't always happen like we want it to, but it is nice to have a plan to start with.

You are both saints to even consider taking Katie into your home. A 16 year old can sure be a handful! I think 18 to 20 is closer in my opinion to a female teenager becoming "human" again. (sorry MG's....JMHO)
;-)

[lalecl]

Mel I am sorry to hear of your loss and many prayers headed your way god bless

[motorgypsy]

Compared to 13 and 14 year olds, 16 year olds are angels!!! :lol: :lol: :lol: It's all in your point of comparison! 16 year olds can be bribed and have the ability to see consequences even if they don't act on this properly. They also have a bit more control over those hormones. And the girls don't cry as much. ARGGGGGG

[baileyholc]

My mother has taken responsibility for a teenager. One of his older sisters has legally adopted him but Chris lives with my mom in the home that his mother and farther died in. Chris will be 18 in Nov. His mom died last year and his father died three years ago. Both of cancer.

I think that who ever takes in Katie should file for custody and seek child support from dad. Make him take responsibility. Of course this is assuming that Katie's farther is a healthy man.

I wish you and your family well Mel. And I also agree, if Kevin is not 100% for taken her in, it will put a strain on your marriage. Do what you can and leave the rest.