PasoJoy
10-07-2007, 11:48 PM
*TEXAS CHILI COOK OFF
* *
If you can read this whole story without laughing,* *then ther
e's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. *
*
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
cook-off in Texas.*
*
**
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.*
*
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion* *of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park**.*
*
* *
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL. *
*Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
asking fo r* *directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
**came in. I was assured by the other two judges* *(Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides,
they told me I could have free* *beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3." **</ B>**
**
Here are the score card notes from the event:** **
**-------------------------------------------------------
** **
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI **
**
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.** **
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. **
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. **Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.** **
** -------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN** 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI**
**
** Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.** **
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. **
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. **
** -------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI** *
*
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.** **
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting shyte-faced from all of the beer. **
** ----------------------------------------------------
**
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC**
**
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.**
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. **
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? **
**---------------------------------------------------
**
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER** **
**
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.** **
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.** **
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them. **
** ----------------------------------------------------
**
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY** **
**
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.** **
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. **
**
** ------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI** **
**
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.** **
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment.** **
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.** **
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.** **
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I
'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. **
**----------------------------------
**
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI** **
**
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.** **
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report*
* *
If you can read this whole story without laughing,* *then ther
e's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. *
*
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili
cook-off in Texas.*
*
**
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even
better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how
true this is.*
*
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween
comes around. It takes up a major portion* *of a parking lot at
the San Antonio City Park**.*
*
* *
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL. *
*Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table,
asking fo r* *directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
**came in. I was assured by the other two judges* *(Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides,
they told me I could have free* *beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3." **</ B>**
**
Here are the score card notes from the event:** **
**-------------------------------------------------------
** **
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI **
**
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.** **
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. **
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint from your driveway. **Took me two beers
to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.** **
** -------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN** 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI**
**
** Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno
tang.** **
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously. **
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had
to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. **
** -------------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI** *
*
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.** **
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of
my chest. I'm getting shyte-faced from all of the beer. **
** ----------------------------------------------------
**
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC**
**
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.**
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. **
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT just like this
nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? **
**---------------------------------------------------
**
CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER** **
**
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.** **
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.** **
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four
people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw them. **
** ----------------------------------------------------
**
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY** **
**
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
garlic. Superb.** **
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my
lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. **
**
** ------------------------------------------------
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI** **
**
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.** **
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a
can of chili peppers at the last moment.** **
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.** **
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the
autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful.** **
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I
'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. **
**----------------------------------
**
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI** **
**
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.** **
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
#3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down
on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor
feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report*