echo
12-18-2007, 02:15 AM
I got this in an email from a friend. Of course, I don't know if it is an actual true event, but it is really a good laugh regardless. Enjoy.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, what a great gift for the wife for our
anniversary, the man thought. Here's his story, written in his own
words:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something "special" for my wife.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser-stun
gun. With all the rampant crime, I reasoned that this would be the
perfect gift. The box said, the effects of the taser were supposed to
be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, and
it would allow a woman adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I read the ac companying brochure.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target, to
be sure it worked.
I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat, and the
voltage might kill something so small. But, if I was going to gi ve this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong? Wouldn't you want to know also?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst would cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop around on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
just be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and
loaded with two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to mysel f, "NO possible way can this little thing do any damage!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best......
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that
bad...
I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it, so
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
from the recliner, then body-slammed me onto the carpet,
over and over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "I told
him not to do it!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", cause
when you zap yourself, you will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing about and convulsing
on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!
A couple minutes later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and
surveyed the room. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace; (How did they up get there???), the coffee table was kicked
o ver, and a lamp was overturned, and there was a big wet spot where my
body had laid. (I won't go into details on that!)
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. My hands & feet were tingling; and I'm still looking for my
testicles! They seem to have disappeared! I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.
Signed,
Regretful Hubby who will think of a better Anniversary gift next year!
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, what a great gift for the wife for our
anniversary, the man thought. Here's his story, written in his own
words:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking
for a little something "special" for my wife.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser-stun
gun. With all the rampant crime, I reasoned that this would be the
perfect gift. The box said, the effects of the taser were supposed to
be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, and
it would allow a woman adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO
COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two
triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I read the ac companying brochure.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a
metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to the Wife what that burn spot is
on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right? There
I sat in my recliner with my cat, Gracie, looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target, to
be sure it worked.
I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for only a fraction of a
second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat, and the
voltage might kill something so small. But, if I was going to gi ve this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised.
Was I wrong? Wouldn't you want to know also?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst would cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second
burst would purportedly make your assailant flop around on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would
just be wasting the batteries.
All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and
loaded with two little bitty, itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking
to mysel f, "NO possible way can this little thing do any damage!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best......
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that
bad...
I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it, so
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER OF GOD!, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up
from the recliner, then body-slammed me onto the carpet,
over and over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to
be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position,
and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "I told
him not to do it!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: THERE IS NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", cause
when you zap yourself, you will not let go of that thing until it is
dislodged from your hand by the violent thrashing about and convulsing
on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!
A couple minutes later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and
surveyed the room. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace; (How did they up get there???), the coffee table was kicked
o ver, and a lamp was overturned, and there was a big wet spot where my
body had laid. (I won't go into details on that!)
My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocaine, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. My hands & feet were tingling; and I'm still looking for my
testicles! They seem to have disappeared! I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return.
Signed,
Regretful Hubby who will think of a better Anniversary gift next year!