Serious question for moms, step-moms, kids, step-kids

[RR]

My daughter is up visiting her dad in DC while he is on leave from Afghanistan. (Just a fyi, he is an ARMY Ranger expert sniper so please keep him in your prayers when he goes back in 2 weeks.) Anyhow, Alicia called me this morning to ask me how I felt about her calling her step-mom "mom". I am going to be honest with you all, I told her I didn't like it. But I also told her we would talk about it later today. Any thoughts or experience, I need some guidance.

[Edurne]

Perhaps she can find another "momma" name not the same as she uses for you - Nerea calls her mother-in-law- Mumsey.

I understand your pain at the thought that the name for your special role should be used for any one else.

[Blameitonbrio]

Good for you for saying you'd talk about it! We don't have a step situation, but I can understand why you would be hurt by that. I also think it is confusing to everyone. It is great that they have a good enough relationship that they want to do that though. That is very good for your daughter.

Perhaps the thing to do would be to concentrate on that and say something like, "I think it is wonderful that you have two people in your live that you'd like to call 'Mom,' but I think that you need to have a different name for your stepmom. Let's try to think of some names that you could discuss with your stepmom." I don't think that it would hurt to let her know that her calling the stepmom mom hurts your feelings a bit either -- just don't lay on a counterproductive guilt trip.

[Terry Wallace]

Don't take it personal! My grandson has 8 living grandparents/great grandparents...I am "Gramma Terry" to him... there are already 2 "gramma Wallace's"....

I'm a stepmother also, and was always called "Terry" as I was not comfortable being called "mom".... I am not their mom.... I am a different person in their lives. Their mom is "their mom".... I am the stepmom...

Just my perspective... ;-)

[tinomino]

I have a similar situation with my dad. I have a biological father who I neveer really knew and my dad who raised me. Though he is technically stepdad I have always called him my dad and my father is the one who contributed to my birth. People always get confused with the distinction. But to me it makes purfect sense. I can see how it would be upsetting to have someone else called mom too by your daughter. I like the idea of another mom type name that could be used to distinguish. Good luck. And our prayers will be with Dad when he goes back overseas.

[lisa l aka marci]

I have 2 step-parents, since both my Mom and Dad remarried.....

My step-mother is 'Joyce' - never called her any kind of 'Mom' name.....my step-father is 'Uncle Bob'- and now he is 'Grandpa Bob' to Tori - and my real dad is 'Grandpa' (although his name is Bob too!).

When my step-mothers' parents were alive, they were Nan and Pop, and my step-dads' parents were Grand-ma and Grand-pa Serafin. But, I saw a lot more of my stepmothers parents than I did of my stepfathers.

Confusing enough? Oh - both sets of real gransparents are/were deceased, so there was no conflict wtih them.

[Jane Hurl]

I agree that you shouldn't have to share your special designation. (And I think it's wonderful that you and your daughter can talk rationally about it.) If your daughter feels that comfortable with this stepmother, that's great for both her and the stepmom (even though a little difficult for you to accept).

I had a kid who lived with us most of the time. He called me "Mimi" (instead of "mommy"). By the time he was a teen, "Mimi" morphed into "Meems".

A thought occurs to me: Is this other woman of another ethnic background and there is a word in another language that means "Mom"?

[Pasofinoguy]

I have step mom and a step dad. I call them by there first name. I always have.

[Serendipity]

I say go with another mon name if your mom then she could all her Mother so and so or momma so and so.or even nana.I was adopted I always called my adpotive mom,mum just always and my bio-mom just Patty.

Check with your daughter though she may be asking because she's getting some pressure from the step to call her mom.

[RR]

That is what I think is going on.
I am almost sure they are putting somekind of pressure on her, since Alicia's step-sister calls her step-dad "dad" I think they are trying to tell Alicia she should call her step-mom "mom". Maybe her step-mom wants to feel closer to Alicia and thinks that she can get there by being called Mom? I don't know. I do know that Alicia has a special kind of love for her and that is great I support that but I also think that in Alicia's mind calling Lisa mom would betray me and that is hard for her? Would it hurt me if she did call Lisa mom, yes big time. Why now after 11 years would she now want Alicia to call her mom. :(

[Blair]

I feel for you too. My daughter is currently at her dad's in Chicago (she is 12 and we have been divorced since she was 2 1/2). She calls her step-mom by her first name and has never really shown any desire to do otherwise. If you don't make a big deal out of it (even though they may) she will probably play with calling her step-mom "mom" but then revert back since she has always known her by her first name.

My husband, on the other hand, doesn't like the fact that my daughter calls him by his first name. However, we have not been able to ever find anything else that worked so he has to put up with it this way. Caroline does refer to us as "her parents" or "my dad" a lot when talking with her friends about us or her step-dad. But other times I hear her saying "step-dad".

I have decided to let her figure it out for herself. She is the one in the middle without a choice in it - we grown-ups just have to tough it out for their sake sometimes. Our feelings can stand to be hurt a bit if it makes them more comfortable in the overall with the split familes.

It is good you guys can talk - I do the same with my daughter. We discuss how things might be perceived from all different directions (objectively) and then I leave her to make her decisions or I guide her to the right one if needed. She is getting to the age she doesn't want to spend her whole summer at her dads. She is afraid to talk with him about it because she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I am not sure how we will handle it but most likely, I will talk to his mom or his wife and one of them can help him understand that she wants to be home with friends, band, summer job not that she doesn't want to be with him all summer. He will need help to understand the difference!!!

Good luck!
Blair

[motorgypsy]

Our nieghbor adopted her grandson and lives near her duaghter so he calls her mommy and his mother, mother. MUM works as does MIMI. I think MEEMS is very cute. It is a similar problem though when you marry and have to figure out what to call your inlaws. I could never bring myself to call my mother-in-law "MOM". She wasn't my mom. In my mother's era they called the mother-in-law "Mother Smith" or whatever the last name was. But that seemed archaic.

But one thing to remember - she's YOUR daughter and believe me - she knows it. No matter what your daughter ends up calling her step-mother, YOU will always be her mother so don't let this cause serious problems. We have them for such a short time anyway.

[Serendipity]

here here to that MG, the time really is short and it goes both way believe it or not I lost my real mom to a car accident in 2003 (she was only 42) and my Mum is 2005 (she was 82) but your daughter will love you no matter way tell her it does bother you for you to call her mom but let it be her decision as to what to call her several people here gave lots of ideas share them with her as sugjestions anf maybe she'll pick one you both and the step-mother can live if.

[Fuego]

Talk to your daughter about how SHE feels about calling her step-mother "mom".

Your daughter shouldn't be preassured or guilted into calling your ex husband's current wife "mom" if that's NOT what she wants. (selfish on their part).

But neither should she preasurred or guilted into NOT calling her step-mother "mom" if that's truly what she wants to do (selfish on your part).

Did your daughter ask how you felt about this situation looking for a way out of calling her step mother "mom"?

Or is that what she wishes to do, but asked you out of respect and love for you and not wanting to hurt you?

As difficult a situation as it may be for you, your daughter's feelings/ wishes in this situation should come first. She didn't chose to be in this situation ( 2 families).

This is a decision your daughter should be able to make based on HER feelings, and not for the benefit of any of the adults that put her in this situation.

[GeorgeGuns]

I think its perfectly understandable for a person to call a step parent "mom" or "dad" IF the original is not in the picture and the step parent is truly filling that role to the fullest. However when the original parent is still very much in the picture, IMO its highly inappropriate. My sister-in-law has basically raised her husband's kids, but she is "Miss Debbie" to them - they still see their mother on occasion.

What does the step-mom have to say about it? My step mom made it very clear that she did not want to be called "mom' of any sort, although we are good friends. I do introduce her as my step mom - she finally got warm to that - but I call her Jane.

It might be worth a call to the step mom to talk about this. She may feel flattered at first - its always nice to know a kid is accepting you in a role like that as opposed to thinking you stink cuz you married dad - but sentimenatlity aside, she may realize or already feel that its really not right for her or your daughter.