Touche'

[CarolU]

Old Girl Friend


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

[Pasogirlz]

:lol:

[PasoJoy]

I got this one today, but I've seen it before...

Menopause Jewelry


My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood ring the other day so
he would be able to monitor my moods.


We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big
frigging red mark on his forehead.


Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond

[Moniece Dickerson]

Funny funny, love those!!Got anymore?Your friend,Moniece

[Carol Nelson]

Yeah...I'm bored...goin' stir-crazy...!!! :mad: :roll: ;-)
More jokes...more jokes!!! :eek:

[lalecl]

CarolU: Cute one!

PasoJoy: I LOVE THAT ONE!!

ROTFL

[PasoJoy]

OK, you asked for it..... :twisted:

> The Bacon Tree
> -------------------------------------
> Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
>
>
> No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old
> Jew sitting beneath a tree.
>
>
> "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" the leader of the wagon
> train asked.
>
> "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und
> down de udder side. Some vun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
>
>
> "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
>
>
> "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
>
>
> The leader returned to the wagon train and told his people what the old Jew
> said.
>
> "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked.
>
> Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they have a thing about pork.
>
>
> So the wagon train traveled up the hill and down the other side.
>
> Suddenly, Indians attacked them from everywhere and massacred all except the
> leader, who managed to escape and get back to the old Jew.
>
> Near dead, the man shouted, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We
> followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians
> who killed everyone but me."
>
> The old man held up his hand and said, "Vait a minute." He quickly picked
> up an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it.
>
>
> "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree! "It vuz a ham
> bush." :roll:

[PasoJoy]

You are An EXTREME Redneck When.....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of
her kids.

2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas is in it.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night


5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."

7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9. Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen,
start your engines."

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

And, saving the best for last...

An East Tennessee couple, both real-live rednecks, had 9 children. They went
to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked
them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband
replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten
children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a
Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

[PasoJoy]

Three Religious Truths....(not starting anything, honest...)


There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

[PasoJoy]

[b]And my favorite... :shock:


Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.


The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.


Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

LIVER ALONE. CHEESE MINE.
[b]

[CarolU]

Three Religious Truths....(not starting anything, honest...)


There are three religious truths:

a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

We have that same joke here, but the last line is that Mormons don't recognize each other at the liquor store or in Wendover.

[PasoVicki]

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts .The i-boob is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

[pnalley]

Liver alone, cheese mine! :lol: :lol:

To funny

[Carol Nelson]

:lmao :rofl :yay

Let's see, that took all of 10 minutes to read...keep 'em coming!!!

[Minouri]

Carol,

I can take up the next five minutes of your time. Remember how I've been playing with making a website? Well, I took down chapter one of my novel....too controversial for what I was for doing....I'm really just playing around with learning how to make the sites....but I put up some quotes from the kids in my class and people seem to enjoy it more.

http://kindergartenquotes.blogspot.com/

[CarolU]

Those were really cute Ruth. Warmed a cold morning right up.

[Moniece Dickerson]

I LOVE them love them love them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!THANKS!!Your friend,Moniece

[Carol Nelson]

Very cute, Ruthie!

The "don't touch me" one reminds me of one time when my daughter started mouthing off in a shopping mall...and I grabbed her arm to silence her...she cried out in a loud voice, "Don't touch me there!"

Man, you should have seen the people look at that one! Made me REALLY want to smack her. :roll: ;-) :lol:

[CarolU]

That old lady one reminds me of a conversation I had years ago with a 7-year-old.

7 yo: How old are you?
Me: 24
7 yo: One day, you are going to grow old and be gray and wrinkeld and ugly!
Me: Oh, and when is that?
7 yo: When you're 25.

We laugh now, but I can remember thinking that I'd cut my hair when I got "old." At that time, I also thought "old" was 25. :shock:

[Minouri]

I think some of the funniest things I hear are the ones that were not meant to make me laugh. I love the way the young mind works. We think they get our humor and what we are talking about....but when you stop and listen to them you see how differently they see the world.

My sister (now deceased) used to tell a story about her wedding day that always cracked me up. I was 4 at the time. I had a wonderful time at the wedding but when it was time to leave I went up to her and said, "Ok, Judy, I'll see you at home."

She said, "Honey, I'm not going home with you. I just got married."

I said, "Ok, but after that I'll see you at home."

She knelt down and explained to me that getting married meant that she did not live with us...she now was going to live with her new husband.

I took a full out tantrum! She said I was the only person who made her cry on her wedding day. I was stomping up and down the hall....."No one told me! I thought it was just a party!" Even at four I felt that somehow I should have been consulted on this. I would not let her leave until she explained exactly what being married meant (not the babies part)...but where you live and what it does to your name.

My mom thought the whole thing was hysterical. I had been talking about the wedding for months with excitement, and no one knew that I had no idea what a wedding was.

[pasorider]

I called my granddaughter on her 6 th birthday to wish her Happy Birthday. She was so excited and said "Grammy, I am 6 yrs old!!!" I said,"I know, Haley, you are getting old!" She replied after a long silence "No, Grammy, I not old, I don't have any gray hair"!

[CarolU]

That's funny Ruth. I remember at my wedding, my oldest niece was about 4. After inspecting the gift table from end to end, she came over to me and said, "I want a wedding. This is LOTS better then a birthday!"

[Kerry W]

You remember your wedding? :shock:

[CarolU]

You remember your wedding? :shock:

No. My mother told me about it. :lol:

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes; and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

[SharonP]

OK, you asked for it..... :twisted:

> The Bacon Tree
> -------------------------------------
> Back in cowboy times, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.
>
>
> No other humans had been seen for days, and then the pioneers saw an old Jew sitting beneath a tree.
>
>
> "Is there some place ahead where we can get food?" the leader of the wagon
> train asked.
>
> "Vell, I tink so," the old man said, "but I wouldn't go up dat hill und
> down de udder side. Some vun tole me you'd run into a big bacon tree."
>
>
> "A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.
>
>
> "Yah, a bacon tree. Vould I lie? Trust me. I vouldn't go dere."
>
>
> The leader returned to the wagon train and told his people what the old Jew
> said.
>
> "So why did he say not to go there?" a person asked.
>
> Other pioneers said, "Oh, you know those Jews- they have a thing about pork.
>
>
> So the wagon train traveled up the hill and down the other side.
>
> Suddenly, Indians attacked them from everywhere and massacred all except the
> leader, who managed to escape and get back to the old Jew.
>
> Near dead, the man shouted, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We
> followed your route, but there was no bacon tree, just hundreds of Indians
> who killed everyone but me."
>
> The old man held up his hand and said, "Vait a minute." He quickly picked
> up an English-Yiddish dictionary and began thumbing through it.
>
>
> "Oy, I made such ah big mishtake! It vuzn't a bacon tree! "It vuz a ham
> bush." :roll:

How come it's always an "old" Jew? Got any jokes about young ones?

This here Jew girl ain't laughin'.